Revenge of the Dollar Theater

After everyone leaves the theater at night, I stroll up and down the rows with a flashlight. Why you might ask? To find any lost or dropped items of course, and check for hiding kids. (I have found purses, books, bibles, beer, money, guns, sheriffs badge, syringes, clothes, shoes, iphones, ipods, baby bottles and binky's, and much much more - no kids yet though)

I search for dropped change, and sometimes find dollars. Should I consider this as my bonus money? I think so. If I don't claim it the cleaning lady will snatch it up and she already gets paid much more than us.

So what if I find a large amount of money? I am not saying I do this, or want to, but I feel like if you find it surrounded by smuggled-in food and a filthy mess, you can get revenge on that person and pocket it as compensation for their disrespectful behavior. Does that person - who was ignorant enough to leave a huge mess in your theater, sneak in energy drinks then spill those sticky suckers on your chairs and floor, and probably text the whole movie and disturb the other customers - deserve to get it back? I'll let you be the judge. :-)

Revenge of the Dollar Theater.

"What do we do with our tickets?"

We give each patron a ticket for two reasons - 1. so we can pay an accurate royalty and email in the numbers each night, 2. so we can count how many we've sold and not over sell the theater. Don't complain that we don't collect them at the door. If you can't find a seat, I will grab my flashlight and piss everyone in the movie off by flashing each row and asking them, "are those seats taken?". I promise there are seats if we sold you a numbered ticket. If you can't sit together, deal with it, and just show up earlier next time. Why do you have to sit next to your peeps anyway? it's not like you should be chatting during the movie. Keep that little ticket as a souvenir and enjoy the show!

"We can't find seats"

Show up earlier.

Refund?

Sorry, we don't offer a refund. We will give you a pass to come back another night, but no refunds. It is posted on the ticket booth. Purchase at your own discretion! Do other, regular theaters ever give refunds? I don't think so.

"Meet the Focker's" - You know this can't be good.

A few months ago we showed the film Meet The Focker's. I had a group of little boys, about 13 years old, come to the window and ask for "Meet The F#$&er's tickets". I showed my disapproval while they chuckled. The lady behind them proceeded to say to the little boy, "get out of the way and let you mother buy her ticket." Great parenting lady, truly a parent-of-the-year worthy performance right there.

"Five tickets for Guh-no-me-oh and Juliet please"

It is scary how many people didn't know how to pronounce gnomeo.

"Two tickets for Conception please"

No words can describe how funny I thought this was. "Here are your two tickets to Inception, enjoy, and your poor children..."

"The Screen is Blurry", yeah, I get that a lot.

This happens every now and then, but one time in particular, a middle-aged man kept complaining that it wasn't focused. I asked him if he would like to come up and focus the projector himself. He accepted my offer. After a brief tutorial, he twisted the knobs and said, "that's better". A few more people came out and complained that it was even worse than before. Luckily, I could place the blame on Mr. Know-it-all, who did try to defend himself with the crowd.

"But the website said..."

You mean this website, right here, that shows the correct show times? This happens about every two months where I bring them into the office, pull up the website, and prove that the website isn't wrong. If it is wrong, I give them a free movie pass - I have yet to give them a free movie pass.

"What movies are playing?"

Oh how often I am asked while selling tickets, "What movies are playing?" Well, in case you didn't happen to notice the giant billboard-sized marquee above your head with our 2 movies and their associated show times, and in case you failed to notice the two movie posters next to the doors you walked into, and in case you didn't notice the two pieces of paper between you and me on the glass indicated which movies are playing at what times, then we are showing.... Try to keep up next time.

"Hi, do you sell Nachos?"

Do we look like we sell nachos? Do you see nachos on the menu? Do you smell the rich smell of nacho cheese? Do you see other people eating nachos? If the answer to all these questions is no, then we don't sell nachos. Did you seriously come to the dollar theater to eat dinner? We don't sell hamburgers either btw. If you want to know what we sell, take a gander at the huge menu overhead, the glass case that is so finely displaying all we have to offer.

How many tickets?

People sit in line for a few minutes on average. When they get to the window they still have no clue what movie they want to see or how many tickets. Really people, you mean to tell me you didn't know what movie you wanted to see before you came so you just said, "lets just get there and see whatever is playing" ? I doubt it. Do you really not know how many people are in your family?

"This butter tastes bad"

Yup, that's because that is not butter my friend. That is the 2 parts water 1 part old nasty butter that we use to warm the container that holds the butter during regular business hours. Gross.

"More Butter Please"

A slim lady came into the theater recently and bought a bucket of popcorn. She asked for "a lot of butter", so by common standards I applied liberally. She asked for more, then more, then more. Then finally, she asked for a cup full of butter. Really? I told her no, which is probably in her best interests too. I did give her about a quarter of a cup of butter though, which she admittedly used as dipping sauce for her popcorn. DISGUSTING! She knows we just reheat the same butter every day for several weeks right?

"Is this movie any good?"

I work here, in the lobby, not in the theaters every night watching the movies so don't ask me. I am just going to tell you it is pretty good so you will buy a ticket anyway. The last thing I want to do after my shift is over is stick around a few more hours to watch a movie. Not.

"What's the password for your wireless internet?"

I don't know, what's the first 9 digits of your social security number dummy? First of all, did you come to the movie to facebook? Do you have something you really need to check during your movie, where you aren't supposed to be using your cell phone anyway you arrogant piece? Oh here, go ahead and download your viruses. Of course, for a dollar fifty free wifi should be included. Durrr go in there, put your stupid home-wrecking hand held device on silent and watch the movie you came to see.

"Do you have a drinking fountain?"

No. We don't. Why? Because you and your fellow patrons decided to pour popcorn down it and other unspeakably nasty things. "Why isn't water free?" Well, it was, until families the size of the Canadian Army all wanted their free water at 6:59 pm while 48 other people are actually going to spend money and pay our bills before the show starts. We charge a quarter, and as a bonus give you unlimited refills. Happy? No, no you aren't because you don't want to have to come out during the show and get a refill so you ask for the water in the 32 ounce Pepsi cup. Sorry buckwheat, but you are going to have to get off your hiney and come out when you want some more water, because those cups are expensive and take too darn long to fill up with water. I am sure you can make due. If you need to, buy 2 waters for a whopping fifty cents, then you don't have to come out during your precious movie.

How to Train Your Dragon - Get Wasted

Yes, I found several empty cans of beer in the top rows of the theater after a showing of How to Train Your Dragon. I am not a drinker, but I would think there are some much better places to drink than during a kids movie? My problem with it: The beer ran down the entire theater under all the seats. Do you think our cleaners are that thorough? I don't think so. Kids are getting crunk now during the show.

Clink clink, clink clink clink clink clink clink clink

The dollar theater, does it scream "pay with pennies" to anyone else? It doesn't to me. Matter of fact, it says, "please pay with a dollar, preferably a bill". Silly people dumping their change on us.

OK, your turn to pay.

Parenting is a difficult task that can be done effectively in many ways. One way that drives me nuts is when large families (we're talking Utah-polygamist) families insist that each child pays for their own ticket....while there are 100 people behind them at 7:05 pm. Teach your kid to pay for things at a less inconvenient time please, not on my time. If your child isn't learning how to ask for 1 ticket to Harry Potter, then you should consider changing schools.

Sorry sir, we can't take hundred's

Why is it so many people freak out when we won't accept a hundred dollar bill for a one-dollar movie ticket? First off, I would have to go empty out all my cash registers just to get enough change. Second, I won't have change for the rest of the night. Third, the bill is probably fake. Fourth, I don't think you are a big shot. Fifth, do you want me to get jumped flashing a bengamin while I close the tills? And sixth, we now accept credit, debit, cash, check, or trade for JBC's from Wendy's. Get real dude.

"I'd like a refund" Seriously?

After 1 hour of the movie, a man came out and asked for refund. I asked why and he replied because he didn't like the movie. I was tempted to ask him, "did I force you to see this movie tonight?" The plot thickens when he has 2 kids in watching the movie. They don't want to leave. He still wants his refund. I don't care if you as much as step into the theater and turn around, you still shouldn't expect a dollar fifty refund.

"You found my gun?" Yes mam, I have your firearm.

A few years back a lady left her purse in the theater. I had the honor of finding it. After a few days I decided to look inside for her phone number, help her out a little. As I opened the fort knox of purses I found over $600 in cash. I found a digital camera, enough credit cards to account for the recession alone, and a nice little 9 mm firearm. When she came in to collect her belongings, the first thing she was was, "do you have my gun?". Yes mam, I have your gun, but the cash, credit cards and other things magically disappeared. Just Kidding. Although she wasn't. She wanted that gun and didn't care about anything else. The gun is the only part of that purse I wanted to get rid of.

"The aspect ratio is off"

Oh, I didn't know all our customers are movie theater and film projection experts?!? The film is being projected out of the model T's grandpa in the projector world so settle for a little fuzz and an occassional hair on the screen okay. What I like to tell them is, "try moving closer the the screen, or maybe back futher". This seriously works every time.

"Can you just rewind it to the beginning for me?"

No. Has this ever been possible at any other movie theater you or anyone you know has been privileged to experience? I didn't think so. Show up early next time.

"Do seniors get a discount?" Yes, it's $1.50

I appreciate your life's contributions to our society (eventhough I don't know if you mooched tax dollars your whole life or stole from my friends), but you too have to pay one dollar and fifty cents. If this is a stretch for you, then you clearly didn't save enough for retirement and all this talk of you stealing me and my childrens social security money is a bunch of crap. Fork it up, pay the one-fifty grandpa.

"How old do they have to be?"

2 and up. It is cut and dry, black and white. It is the easiest answer. So frequently I have to tell someone, "sorry, your 8 year old doesn't get in free TO A DOLLAR THEATER!" Really cheap skates?

Parent's have to buy a ticket too.

Why do so many parent's think they can get away with buying tickets for their children but not themselves? If you know please fill me in.

"hide your drinks and pretend like we already have tickets"

Today I was outside the theater walking with my little girl when I saw 4 little boys about 13 years of age say, "hide your drinks and just walk in like we have tickets". There are a few problems with this story. First, how and where is a kid who weighs 60 pounds going to hide a 72 ounce soda without looking slightly out of place? Second, there really wasn't anyone else at the thaeter, so I am pretty sure we are going to know who we have and haven't sold tickets to. Third, why do you boys look so scared? Little boys, next time buy a 20 ouncer and I will give you a deal on ticket prices, I will only charge you a dollar fifty. Lucky ducks.

"dude, let's go smoke it up at the dollar theater"

Lately, I have had to ask several teenagers to stop smoking in our parking lot and leave. The most common response I get is, "we are here to see a movie". My most common reply is, "it's 10:30 pm, you already missed the movie". To all you pot heads, please stop coming to a childrens theater to smoke, it already doesn't smell pleasant here and the last thing we need is pot smell.

Shining Bright in a Dollar Theater

I have to hold the button half-way down and at an angle to get the flashlight to work. It's a dollar-theater flashlight.

"but now they won't know there's something at the end!"

Saturday was apparently a rough night at the Sticky Shoe. A local lady, a regular, decided to call me out in front of the entire crowd after the show during the credits for "turning the lights on prematurely." hmmm.. As I walked to the back of the theater to check that the doors were securely closed, she said, "Now people won't know there is something at the end, you have to turn the lights off!" loud enough for everyone getting into their cars to hear. Keep in mind, these are dollar-theater lights, so only 2 of 4 actually work, and those 2 only emit about a small flashlight amount of illumination. I jokingly told her that the lights automatically come on, so to take it up with Universal pictures or Paramount. She didn't laugh. After the 30 second "special ending clip" she came into the lobby to further "let me have it." She used the same argument as before, but added that it was unfair and mean of me to not tell them there is a small clip at the very end of the credits. Am I crazy, or is their own repsonsibility to sit there in anticipation and hope there is something to leave them hanging until the sequel comes out? So I responded to her by saying, "Many people don't want to stay, especially after the late show, and for safety reasons they need to be able to see how to get out (we don't have any floor illumination, it burnt up recently)". I went on to say, "For a dollar-fifty, I can't please everyone". She thinks I am a really mean person. I think its nice when everyone leaves quickly so I can go home. Take that poo poo face. Even the large theaters turn some lights on as soon as the credits roll.

"This popcorn is something I don't crave" he said.

Saturday night, as the late show crowd was exiting the theater, a gentlemen passed by and said something to me. I thought he said, "this popcorn is something to crave". I responded with, "I know right, nothing beats theater popcorn!" He quickly corrected me and said, "this is something I DON'T crave". I asked why not? He said because he thinks the butter is spoiled or something. And, "I saw a concession worker wipe his sweat then serve my popcorn. I paid $3.50 for that popcorn!" I kindly took the popcorn from the man and starting chowing down in front of him (just to make sure he was telling the truth you know), and told him it tasted fine to me but that next time he shouldn't wait till after the show to say something. I told him I would have glady replaced his popcorn or issued a refund, and spoke with the "sweaty concession kid" if he would have asked me to. He left. I thought to myself, "he only paid $3.25 for that popcorn" and remembered that the same exact size popcorn costs $6.50 at a Cinemark. That's not to mention he only paid $1.50 admission versus $7-$8 at another theater. Sir, you came to a dollar theater and you got served a dollar theater experience.

Really, you gave me a gold dollar sir?

Tonight I had an older lady give me the stink eye and some grief because, yes, I ran out of dollar bills so gave her a golden dollar. Is she too old to know that the gold dollar is the same value as the dollar bill? Does she know that gold prices are actually really high right now? Does she know she just came to a dollar theater expecting ironed dollar bills for change? I don't think so. She ended up so saying something about it under her breath to another customer stading in line for popcorn, who responded, "I'll take it!", and got himself a nice golden coin, worth one US dollar. If she is giving out all the golden dollars she is given, then we need to start following this lady around. The dollar theater, an unlikely suspect for receiving a dollar coin I guess.